Sometimes I really don’t understand you anymore.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 I’m trying to pull myself out a a spiraling vortex of logic and emotion that seem to always lead to just eating the darn grilled cheese sandwich. Or cookie. Or ice cream. Oooh, do we have any ice cream? Not now, focus. This conversation is what’s happening in my brain. It’s fragmented and pulls me in at least two directions at any given moment, and I can’t remember a time in my life when the prevailing topic of debate was anything but food. Always food.
As much as I love food, I frequently wish that I could just quit. How clean and simple would that be? Like an alcoholic giving up the sauce forever, one hour sober and counting. Not easy, but straightforward, a clear path. Alas, food doesn’t work that way. Those of us who identify as food addicts have to find “balance” between not eating and eating too much. Although I think that word is a drastic misrepresentation of the multiple personality power struggle between my self who loves eating full tubes of cookie dough and the one who enjoys veggies out of my garden. Some days I don’t really understand either of them.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that I can literally kill myself with food. But there’s no way I’m letting the fact that I live in a land of plenty be my downfall. I have too much respect for people who battle against ridiculous odds in situations they have no control over to continue to allow myself to be a victim of something that is 100% within my control. My brother has multiple sclerosis, and facing something like that, being able to go out for a walk is a gift, not a chore. The gift of autonomy freaks me out sometimes: I have control, I have choices, I have no limits. Now let’s start acting like it.
Sure there are bound to be roadblocks, I could get hurt or lose my job, or a giant marshmallow man could rampage my town forcing me to EAT HIM. (How many calories are in a giant marshmallow man?) But above all else, I have made a commitment to never give up on myself. As simple as that. I’ll never give up. That’s my permanent decision, my final answer, the one thing I don’t have to question anymore. I’m never going back to that place where guilt was my default emotion, I don’t have a life or a self there anymore.
Welcome to my battle with my drug of choice. I’m currently winning. Stay tuned...
Reader Comments (2)
SO relate to this post. As a reporter, I often write about people with worse addictions - drugs, gang life, sex and other corruption. At first I want to think I'm so different from them, but I think I really just found a "safer" or more legal masochistic addiction. I was feeling like crap about work the other day and I ended up buying a pint of strawberry coconut ice cream. As I was in line, I was like, wow your mind is so powerful. I don't think it's a coincidence that when I'm feeling bad about life, my body subconsciously craves things that will slowly kill it. Personally, I'm working on just trying to be stronger mentally - not stronger in the battle against the ice cream but stronger against the mentality that comes prompts the buying of the ice cream. That's where the battle against habits needs to be fought.
Your blog is so insightful and so universal. It's the battle between the knowing and the doing. I love that you're growing your own food. Such cute little squashes.