Musings on fast cars and fast women

Before I understood about nutrition I thought that people who lost weight basically just stopped eating all the time and only ate when they absolutely had to. That was the only way I’d ever lost weight in my life and having no other experience, it seemed like the way to go. The only problem I saw with this plan at the time was that it was hard, but my role model was Catherine Banks from the remake of The Thomas Crown Affair. Something deep inside me longed for the carless abandon with which she seemed to shun food, as if it was BENEATH her. She’s so high class that when the detective character asks her to pizza, she does a big eye roll and declines, saying “I’m on London time.” “Okay, I get it, pizza’s not your thing.” he says, dejectedly. No pizza’s not her thing, billionaires are her thing. Oh, and green superfood juice which is featured prominently as the only thing she eats in the movie (besides wine of course). The love interest Richie Rich has his butler serve the juice to her the morning after their rendezvous, rudely interrupting her post-coital glow with the realization that he had already known she would go to bed with him. Imagine the audacity! A filthy rich dude who is confident in his ability to attract women, shocking.

Okay, back to the juice. The point is she’s beautiful, stick thin, glamorous, and she doesn’t give a tiny rat’s ass about food. It’s not PC for me to admit that I wish I could waste away to a supermodel physique without a care in the world for my next meal. (Not PC doesn’t mean it’s not true). But this attitude never helped me slim down. I would go a few days without eating much, get super light headed and weak, and inevitably give up. It was only when I learned about calories and filling up on produce that I was able to understand a new way. I was 21 years old. Note to public school: maybe some info about calories and credit cards should make it’s way into your curriculum. Thank goodness my parents filled me in on the latter.

Over the years one of the most valuable things I’ve learned about eating is that I can have ton of nutritious food for very little calories and still lose weight. Understanding that I don’t have to starve to be thin is amazing and life changing, but it still leaves me wishing that I could be like that character and not care at all about addictive junk food, the foods that make us want, buy, and eat more, more, more. Mentally I feel like I’ve made progress, but I’m still hanging out here in crazy land where my wishes are healthier but not a single centimeter closer to coming true. And on one particular day I found myself breathing and extra big sigh about some unexpected free pizza (free food isn’t free BTW, it costs my health and my precious time spent working it off at the gym) when I let out a rant about how I wish I could feel like I’m BETTER than that kind of food. Cue my dear husband who said something I’ll never forget: 

“Yeah, eating that stuff would be like putting regular gas in your Ferrari.”

And I’m thinking, whoa, I’m the Ferrari in this analogy.

So why aren’t I treating myself that way? Cue the unlocking of a Pandora’s box realization that my mind exists on a default set of assumptions. That I am lazy, have bad genes, am always going to have to struggle against my most basic nature if I want to be healthy. I was unknowingly putting myself down all the time. But his comment has caused a restructuring of my brain. What if, instead, I started with the assumption that I am the Ferrari, the perfect machine, the phoenix after being transformed. My basic, natural state of being is eating mostly plants and moving my body all the time. Anything I do that deviates from the plan is simply not giving myself the respect I deserve. Not worthy of condemnation, just not worthy of me.

And all of a sudden everything feels lighter. Less scary. I can do this forever. It’s part of who I am now. Sure, I’ll probably have a brownie now and then, maybe even a few too many. But the next day will be back to regularly scheduled programming, AKA me, being awesome, and enjoying my delicious salad. Anything less would just be regular octane fuel, and I'm better than that.